Stop trying to be the “good mother”
Over the years I’ve lost count of the times I’ve sat crying in the bathroom wondering how I am failing so much at being a mother. How something that is so ingrained in my being, a rite of passage for some, felt so unnatural and hard for me. I grappled with so many feelings of insecurity, guilt, resentment and shame and I wondered if things would ever get better.
I bought into every single story and expectation about motherhood. I had a rose coloured version of how it would all look and it started from the moment we conceived. So many of us step into motherhood with a list of silent expectations of what a “good mother” looks like. We don’t quite know it’s happening as we rock our babies through sleepless nights, cry silently as we struggle to breastfeed, lose our temper at the kids or silently wish for things to be different.
We go through the motions of motherhood with these stories imprinted within us and all around us. Good mothers are self-sacrificing, good mothers have it together, good mothers are loving in all moments, good mothers are driven at work and in the home, good mothers have bounce back bodies or good mothers can do it all.
It's completely normal for mothers and caregivers to…
- Feel out of your depths at times
- Feel anger, rage and frustration
- Want an escape or out from the responsibilities and overwhelm
- Make mistakes and mess up
- Feel as though you’re failing and letting everyone down
- Wish for something different than this
- Feel resentful of aspects of life, but grateful in the next breath
We feel bad about having these experiences because we think good mothers don’t feel this way. That good mothers aren’t allowed to have this full spectrum of emotions, especially not about motherhood and their children.
This story of the good mother is what breaks us
It sets us up for expectations and standards that we can’t meet. We can’t meet them not because we are failing at this, but because they are unrealistic. The very things we use as metrics for motherhood are the very things that are pulling us further away from our truths and potential as mothers. The further away we get from ourselves the more we are seeing a rise in mental wellness concerns for mothers. In Australia, 1 out of 7 women are diagnosed with post-natal depression or anxiety, of course there are many layers that contribute to this but a huge piece of this puzzle is expectation and overwhelm.
Our potential and “goodness” as a mother comes from us living in a way that feels good for us individually. Trying to follow the cookie cutter version and loaded expectations isn’t listening and following what we need. There actually isn’t a right or wrong way to do motherhood. It’s just your way.
The sooner we can accept that we all have big, uncomfortable feelings that are not a reflection on our parenting capacity, the sooner we can work to healing ourselves and in turn, our families. So, where and how do we start this process of untangling from the expectations and pressures of motherhood?
Take an inventory on your life
Carve out some time for you to get some perspective on your life as it is right now. Which situations arise the most pressure and stress for you? What aspect of your life do you wish you could change and how? What are you desiring more of? Often we get stuck in the motions of life, going through the to do list, racing through our schedule and getting to the end of the day exhausted and ready to do it all again tomorrow. Slow down, connect with your feelings and listen to what you’re actually needing.
Create white space
We all are guilty of filling our schedules with all the things, and motherhood in general is a busy job. There is always something to clean, fold, pack away and cook on top of sports, music lessons, homework and more. Our plates are beyond full. Creating white space means we take out some stuff that isn’t imperative and nurture what is. It means we will have time to be present with the kids, have a peaceful cup of tea or take the dog for a walk with the family.
Accept the beautiful madness of motherhood
So much of our angst and stress comes from the pressure we place on ourselves and our desire to get it right and be perfect every time. We will make mistakes. We will have moments that don’t feel graceful. We will have days when we want to escape, feel bewildered, helpless and overwhelmed. But our power comes when we can accept these waves of motherhood. When we give ourselves a break and embrace that we too are human and we are doing the very best we can.
Stepping outside and looking in on this story of motherhood we have all adopted isn’t an easy process. It will challenge many parts of yourself because familiarity brings comfort and change can make us hesitant. But there is a better way to navigate motherhood. One that feels aligned to you and deeply fulfilling. A way that embraces all the madness and stuff we can’t control alongside all the magical moments that light up our hearts. We get to choose how this looks and more importantly, how it feels.