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© 2019 Cathy Sponer. All rights reserved.

The intertwined cruelness and beauty of time

August 3, 2017

 

 

Recently the impermanence of time has been brought so painfully to my attention. It's cruelness and beauty raveled into one entity that demands my respect and acknowledgement. We always say time is precious. We always want to make every moment count. Our intentions are good, but yet we still fail. We still get caught up in all the things that don’t matter. We spend too much time worrying about the smaller things and not living in the bigger things. We don’t make time for the people we care for as often as we would love to because our lives get busier. We sometimes let time with our kids float away because we can’t be present in the moment without distraction from house duties, money worries and pressures from work. In a sense, we have a lot on our plates. A lot on our minds. So respecting time can be a challenge and in fact, I think most of the time we are unaware of how precious time truly is. How impermanent and fragile every second you have can be.

 

A few months back our family received devastating news that my mum has stage 4 terminal cancer. No words will ever be enough and right now it’s too raw to even try. But I know there is one thing that rings true when anyone gets news like this. We think about time. How much time we have left. How much time we wasted. How we wish we could expand time. Only in the face of adversity and heartache do we truly grasp how precious what we have is.

 

It’s made me see my whole life in a new way. I’ve promised myself several things. That I won’t waste a moment on anything that doesn’t light me up. That I won’t let people who don’t care for me consume my time. I won’t give value to other people’s opinions more than my own. I won’t spend another moment not loving myself. I will never forget how magical my kid’s childhood is and that they only ever have one. I will love lazy moments on the lounge and the disagreements with hubby just as much as I love date nights. I want to absorb, soak in and immerse myself in every moment that we have. And in order to do so, many things will need to change.

 

It will take a commitment to letting go and accepting that many things are out of my hands and that resisting that will only ever cause more pain. I’ll need to acknowledge and accept whole heartedly that the shitty moments in life are just as special as the rest. I will make my moments worthwhile and make sure they have meaning. I will remind myself every day because I know life will get in the way with its peculiar small, insignificant human-ness moments and take away my ability to just be with my time. And most importantly, nothing will be ever unspoken or unsaid. My love will never go assumed and I will share it, speak it and hold those babies until they will no longer let me.

 

Because this moment, in reality, is all we have. We have many small, precious, fragile and beautiful moments combined together to create the puzzle of life. In all its complexities it is magnificent, raw and a beast unto it’s own that needs to be respected. Time can be cruel yet still hold beauty.

 

Your time is yours to do with what you will. But if this complex world around you was to change in an instant… would you continue to treat the fragility of your world the same way? Or would you grab time, make friends with it and co-create something bigger and more awe inspiring with every little piece that you have. Make it count.

 

 

 

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