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What you don't say to the poor heavily pregnant woman

November 7, 2016

Don’t reason with me… I’m heavily pregnant. I know you all have the best intentions, and I do love you for it. But you won’t have much luck making me feel better with these comments, no matter how well intended they are. I would likely say the same to other mums if I hadn’t been there, done that and known how utterly defeated and helpless you can feel in those final weeks of pregnancy. So please, let my hormones go on their tirade… and please try and catch your tongue and don’t say anything to me again.

 

“The baby will come whenever he or she is good and ready, don’t rush it”

Yes, yes, we all know this baby will come when it’s ready… say it to me one more time and I might karate kick that complacency right out of you

 

“Try and distract yourself and don’t think about it”

Hmmm, what should I not think about? The fact that it feels like my baby is equipped with a pair of pincer grips and is using it on my cervix or that the swollen full feeling between my legs doesn’t make me feel like an overweight waddling penguin?

 

“Maybe you should try sex, curry and going for a walk”.

Hmmmm yep, would love if any of those actually worked for me. Does it count if I tried like all of them in one day and the biggest pain I had was some gas and a big pregnancy poo?

 

“You should make the most of having one less child to care for, it’s gets harder once they here”

I know what I’m in for when it comes to having a newborn, I’m apparently a veteran at baby number 3. At least when bub is here my body returns to some mild resemblance to normal. What I can’t do, is function like a normal human being while I have a human being head between my legs, reflux, swollen puffy legs and back pain. Give me post birth ice blocks in my pants over bulging varicose veins and sciatica any day.

 

“You must be enjoying relaxing, putting your feet up and getting ready for baby’s arrival”

Does relaxing mean cursing the kids every time I have to bend to pick up a tossed meal only to feel like my uterus could actually drop out onto the floor? Or is relaxing having to physically lift your tummy up every time you need to pee, roll over in bed or just sit in general? Never been more relaxed in my life.

 

Note for husbands

~ Shall there never be any pregnancy related comment whilst I am undressing or having a shower, ever. Nothing you say when I am naked is ever going to make me feel better.

 

~ Please don’t tell me you’re not looking forward to the birth – you’re my rock buddy. I don’t doubt it’s gonna be tough for you watching your loved one in pain (and being bored and stuff), but if we are going to make this a competition I win by miles… miles.

 

~

 

Please don’t comment on me “returning to normal” and not being a crazy bitch anymore. I know I’m crazy. I know some days I resemble a sugar loaded orangutan, big belly, saggy boobs and all. I know I cry a lot, at stuff that probably isn’t worth the effort. We are all looking forward to when the hormone gods bless us with some fairy dust and I get better.

 

 

So for now, if you make one of these comments and it looks like I’m about to tweak with a twitch in my eye and a funny glazed over look. Run for the hills or just smile and remind me that you love me and then hope to hell you’re talking to the ‘normal’ me and not that cranky orangutan.

 

 

 

 

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