I really feel like I have too many of “those” days. You know the ones, when at the end of the day you’re unsure how you, or your kids for that matter, managed to survive… and I mean for real. It’s kind of like we have every sign it’s gonna be a nightmare day but we hope against all instinctual hope that we can change the course of fate. That this time, we will dodge the bullet of one of those days. Today that bullet hit me square between the eyes and I’m still feeling like a shattered, broken and pissed off woman.
There was tension in the air from the moment we all woke up, my eldest Jacob was awake early and downstairs with Daddy until he left for work. Instead of snuggling in with mummy so I could get a desperate half an hour extras sleep, he proceeded to tap my head, peel my eyelids back, climb in and out of bed while I heard sounds of things he should not be rummaging in, he opened the shutters and told me it’s morning time, he asked me if I want to build a snow man (not cute today buddy). Goodbye sleep, my day has started.
From that point on I don’t really know where it all went pear shaped, maybe it was just destined to be that way. But from rising, through breakfast routine and getting dressed it was wild, noisy and both Harry and Jacob were just ignoring, wailing and testing me until no end. Being a stay at home mum this is routinely my mornings, but for whatever reason today seemed worse. All my fellow mum friends were at work (ah the joys of being a stay at home mum), everyone I contacted was busy with other less stressful and more productive things in their day I’m sure! I had already had Jacob in time out twice and I knew the more wound up I got, the less calm he would ever be. But reasoning calmly with him when in this mood seemed pointless and honestly, not within my parenting capabilities this morning.
Against my better judgement, I took them out just for my own sanity. Hoping that some outdoor play and a stop for their favourite sushi lunch would turn every one’s behaviour around. I couldn’t have been anymore wrong. The ignorance continued, there was attempts at a mad getaway, psycho meltdown at resistance to being strapped into the pram, Sushi tossed everywhere and ground into the pram seat… my head was pounding and I was for sure looking like “one of those mums” today. The mum having a shit day. The mum in the midst of one of those days. The mum wishing it was all over for today. The mum hoping this was the last one of those days. I was beyond feeling embarrassed, I was in survival function mode and I did and said whatever I had to do to get through it. I’m also pregnant with our third and wondering why I feel exhausted enough to be ready to pop when I’m only in my second trimester (the good trimester apparently).
I totally lose my shit in the car and Harry watches me in awe wondering what has come over and possessed his mummy, I wonder much the same too. I try to reason with myself, they are just kids, they don’t always understand, you are tired and grumpy to begin with… it’s just one of those days. All valid arguments to be had, but I hate the last part. I need less of those days and more of the fun, awesome mum days. I’m not a dreamer and believe parenting is blissful every day, I’ve been shocked and rocked out of that opinion too many times to have a chance of believing it. But on the tough days I find I resist the madness. How the simplicity of a daily routine and activities can create such angst and turmoil. I envy my husband for being blissfully unaware at work. I wish I was labouring my ass of right now… maybe. Well either way wherever I am dreaming about – it’s not here in this whirlwind of a shit storm day that’s for sure!
I guess that’s what we need to be okay with. Those shit storms. I fight those hard days like I’m a driven by an invisible force, I resist it and I hate being in it. I can’t always accept those days, but I am working on accepting my emotions that are attached to it.
It’s okay to feel like today being a mum is a down right shitty job.
It’s normal to feel like you’re overwhelmed and wishing to be some place else, to have someone’s else reality just for now.
It’s standard for you to lose the plot on those days – tears, screaming, locking yourself in the bathroom for a wild stress release dance, hitting the wines too early, sitting on the lounge and sacrificing your to dos to save your own sanity whilst you drink that wine sitting in the eye of the storm.
It’s all okay because this madness is just one day in the journey of parenting. Sadly it’s one of those days… but at least you can rest assured that tomorrow you’ve got a good chance of starting fresh.
Power to you mumma, you survived it and you did an awesome job getting everyone through it alive. Well done.